if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
