Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
