Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
