My underwear smells like fireworks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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