And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
