Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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