my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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