Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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