My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
