You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
