According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
