you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
