apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
