after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
