I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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