She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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