clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
