a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
