I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
