he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize