My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
