can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
