I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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