No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
