He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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