you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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