i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
