party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
