The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
