Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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