At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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