this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
