My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
