we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
