Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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