i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
