..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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