I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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