My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
