My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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