Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
