I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
