You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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