you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
