Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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