You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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