I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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