I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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