i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
