I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Boobs speak an international language.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
