Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
