I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Randomize
