im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
