I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
