I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
True strength comes from lack of pants
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
