Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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