Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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