...so i touched it.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
