this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
